Homosexuality not inborn
FEATURE PART 3 - While there have many claims that homosexuality is genetic and that people are born with it, various medical professionals around the world say that this is not the case and that environmental factors in society are the causes of this practice. International psychologist, educator and trainer Dr Idrees Khamissa said that people have to acknowledge that homosexuality is becoming a growing phenomenon in society and that it is underpinned by a multitude of factors.
“I am one of those with the view that from a Muslim perspective no one is born like this and with the numerous people that I have interacted with, I have found environmental factors that have very strongly contributed to it,” he told VOC News. In his experiences, various homosexual youth that he worked with have been sexually abused by their parents. “These are all environmental factors and we need to look at what the trigger points are. If the kid was sexually abused, then he needs to be sent for therapy immediately so that they can look at all the underlining negative experiences and change it to positive,” he said.
“I once met a young man who at the age of 19 years old had already had 20 male sex partners and when I observed him I immediately saw that that he was on that path...by then he had already lost his masculinity. I tried to engage him and that is what I did. I do not go out to them and say that it is haraam although I know it is haraam. I don’t do it immediately as I first want to win their hearts over and want to take them away from that kind of behavior that is unacceptable to Islam,” he related.
Khamissa would then ask homosexual youth to give him some background of their upbringing and that many youth had shocking stories to tell. “Another young boy told me something very significant. He said to me that his parents used to fight a lot until the father eventually left home. His mother, to compensate for the absence of the father, started to mostly protect him. In the process of that, he became so dependant that he lost his manliness. Therefore, what he was looking for was a male dominant, assertive kind of partner,” he revealed.
"Why I am talking about all of this, is because the critical thing in life is that many people say that it is inborn, but I have interacted with various famous psychiatrists and those of them who studied for 20 years concluded that this same sex relationships is not inborn but from external environments. This is something we have to understand,” he continued.
He said that the important thing is how one deals with the situation and that parents have to always stay in a relationship with their children. “We need to win their hearts over and we need to identify the underline causes that trigger this kind of behavior. We as parents need to be vigilant in the relationship of our children at all times and we need to interact with them and be observant at all times so if there are any tell tale signs that they are indulging in any of these signs of deviant behavior then we will know when to step in."
Once homosexual youth believe that that is who they are and become accustomed to the lifestyle, then it becomes very difficult. “Mothers and fathers need to pray that Allah guides them and make them understand that what they are doing is wrong and because those individuals who incline and indulge in that kind of lifestyle, will find every reason to justify it. In life we shouldn’t think because we like something it is naturally good for us. If one likes watching pornography it doesn’t mean that it is good. And this is the whole point that many people use this as an indulgence of these kinds of behavior,” he said.
People should not encourage youth into believing that they were born that way. It is not a good idea for them to participate or condemn them. “I think that in each one of us there is wrong and its important to win these youths hearts, especially with the month of Ramadan its important to win the hearts of all our children and guide them and their parents. We need to connect with them spiritually, intellectually and emotionally,” he said.
“The important thing in life is that it’s a process and it’s about gradualism. You may have negative behavior that goes against Islam but you always try to reach out and ask Allah for forgives. Sometimes you will see that it is still ongoing at times but you must not give up and the important thing in life is that if you are able to acknowledge that what you are doing is wrong and if you can believe in it and internalize it, this is part of the process. Speak to people that have deep and profound understanding of sexuality who can be sympathetic and supportive and can help you get out of the situation,” he advised
Khamissa believed homosexuality was an addiction just like drugs and that homosexual youth have to tell themselves "if they would like to build up a healthy body and mind then they should not engage in it and rather move away from it". He said that they also have to ask themselves fundamental questions about their life choices.
“One of the important aspects is that once you have a relationship with your kids, and listen and engage with them, you’ll see that some children have enough confidence around their parents and they will speak openly about things like this. Children need to speak about their feelings when it comes to things like this for it is a serious issue and can lead to worse."
In a recent survey done, when asked what children wanted their parents to discuss other then sex, most said gays and lesbianism. “While there is a sociological revolution, there is not a moral regeneration as kids are pulled in by the media and they move towards experimentation and we do not prepare them for that reality. Parents need to get involved with them and know who their friends are and who they are involved with. I think that many parents today have forfeited their responsibilities,” he said.
Any father or mother whose children have sexuality issues or any other issues would have some regrets that they did not engage their children early enough. “We are so focussed on our children’s academic success that we are not preparing our kids for the realities of the world, and the educators themselves they are sometimes inclined towards that kind of behaviors. It is said that ‘we teach who we are’, and the important thing is that we must make sure that the schools our children are going to have educators who have a strong sense of morality and people and schools should also play their part positively,” he reminded.
“I will say this again, that the children’s actions lies in the laps and responsibilities of our parents and educators, because sometimes children will be taught topics and they are not sure about it and then they will sometimes tend to experiment at that young age,” he cautioned, adding that with the homosexual issues coming out amongst many youth, more workshops for parents and youth should be implemented and that they should not be in denial and should seek help as soon as possible.
“Don’t be scared to go and seek help as there will always be assistance. Keep a relationship with your children always. This is an issue that is happening before our very eyes. I have no doubt that they themselves will do the right thing and be empowered soon, insha Allah. All that I want to tell youth is that they should remember that they are in their time of their lives and that they have many years ahead of them. I do not want them to be pessimistic - but to be optimistic.
"You must know fairly well that what you are going through is not an internal dark tunnel, but a huge test on you. I have no doubt that you have the ability to remove yourself from this situation for Allah (swt) listens to you, Allah is with you and most important Allah knows you. But the question is - are you with Allah?" VOC (Aishah Cassiem)
“I am one of those with the view that from a Muslim perspective no one is born like this and with the numerous people that I have interacted with, I have found environmental factors that have very strongly contributed to it,” he told VOC News. In his experiences, various homosexual youth that he worked with have been sexually abused by their parents. “These are all environmental factors and we need to look at what the trigger points are. If the kid was sexually abused, then he needs to be sent for therapy immediately so that they can look at all the underlining negative experiences and change it to positive,” he said.
Childhood scars
When young children have been sexually abused by their parents, then the chances of them having a healthy relationship are very low. Sexual abuse victims need to empower themselves to get some kind of means towards ensuring that they do not replicate those actions on their own children one day and to neither get involved in actions that are unacceptable to Islam.“I once met a young man who at the age of 19 years old had already had 20 male sex partners and when I observed him I immediately saw that that he was on that path...by then he had already lost his masculinity. I tried to engage him and that is what I did. I do not go out to them and say that it is haraam although I know it is haraam. I don’t do it immediately as I first want to win their hearts over and want to take them away from that kind of behavior that is unacceptable to Islam,” he related.
Khamissa would then ask homosexual youth to give him some background of their upbringing and that many youth had shocking stories to tell. “Another young boy told me something very significant. He said to me that his parents used to fight a lot until the father eventually left home. His mother, to compensate for the absence of the father, started to mostly protect him. In the process of that, he became so dependant that he lost his manliness. Therefore, what he was looking for was a male dominant, assertive kind of partner,” he revealed.
Media
Khamissa pointed out that for young boys and girls, sex is so gratuitous in the media and that same sex marriages are being applauded. “We will find singers singing about it and poets writing about it and the media are just further increasing it," he said. “I spoke to another youngster who came out of a good strict religious home and he said that when he was in Grade 9, he and his boy friends went to a hotel and they began to experiment on each other."Why I am talking about all of this, is because the critical thing in life is that many people say that it is inborn, but I have interacted with various famous psychiatrists and those of them who studied for 20 years concluded that this same sex relationships is not inborn but from external environments. This is something we have to understand,” he continued.
He said that the important thing is how one deals with the situation and that parents have to always stay in a relationship with their children. “We need to win their hearts over and we need to identify the underline causes that trigger this kind of behavior. We as parents need to be vigilant in the relationship of our children at all times and we need to interact with them and be observant at all times so if there are any tell tale signs that they are indulging in any of these signs of deviant behavior then we will know when to step in."
Once homosexual youth believe that that is who they are and become accustomed to the lifestyle, then it becomes very difficult. “Mothers and fathers need to pray that Allah guides them and make them understand that what they are doing is wrong and because those individuals who incline and indulge in that kind of lifestyle, will find every reason to justify it. In life we shouldn’t think because we like something it is naturally good for us. If one likes watching pornography it doesn’t mean that it is good. And this is the whole point that many people use this as an indulgence of these kinds of behavior,” he said.
'Born that way'
People should not encourage youth into believing that they were born that way. It is not a good idea for them to participate or condemn them. “I think that in each one of us there is wrong and its important to win these youths hearts, especially with the month of Ramadan its important to win the hearts of all our children and guide them and their parents. We need to connect with them spiritually, intellectually and emotionally,” he said.
“The important thing in life is that it’s a process and it’s about gradualism. You may have negative behavior that goes against Islam but you always try to reach out and ask Allah for forgives. Sometimes you will see that it is still ongoing at times but you must not give up and the important thing in life is that if you are able to acknowledge that what you are doing is wrong and if you can believe in it and internalize it, this is part of the process. Speak to people that have deep and profound understanding of sexuality who can be sympathetic and supportive and can help you get out of the situation,” he advised
Khamissa believed homosexuality was an addiction just like drugs and that homosexual youth have to tell themselves "if they would like to build up a healthy body and mind then they should not engage in it and rather move away from it". He said that they also have to ask themselves fundamental questions about their life choices.
Parental involvement
The parenting expert said he was saddened when he saw parents having children but they do not interact and engage with them. “What I always say in my workshops is that you can fake that you care, but you cannot fact that you are there. You got to get involved and be there to show various qualities of parents and marriage, but when it is in trouble it has a negative impact on the children. So on the one hand if we see what is going on we should have the coping skills for the children ready on the other hand,” he added.“One of the important aspects is that once you have a relationship with your kids, and listen and engage with them, you’ll see that some children have enough confidence around their parents and they will speak openly about things like this. Children need to speak about their feelings when it comes to things like this for it is a serious issue and can lead to worse."
In a recent survey done, when asked what children wanted their parents to discuss other then sex, most said gays and lesbianism. “While there is a sociological revolution, there is not a moral regeneration as kids are pulled in by the media and they move towards experimentation and we do not prepare them for that reality. Parents need to get involved with them and know who their friends are and who they are involved with. I think that many parents today have forfeited their responsibilities,” he said.
Any father or mother whose children have sexuality issues or any other issues would have some regrets that they did not engage their children early enough. “We are so focussed on our children’s academic success that we are not preparing our kids for the realities of the world, and the educators themselves they are sometimes inclined towards that kind of behaviors. It is said that ‘we teach who we are’, and the important thing is that we must make sure that the schools our children are going to have educators who have a strong sense of morality and people and schools should also play their part positively,” he reminded.
“I will say this again, that the children’s actions lies in the laps and responsibilities of our parents and educators, because sometimes children will be taught topics and they are not sure about it and then they will sometimes tend to experiment at that young age,” he cautioned, adding that with the homosexual issues coming out amongst many youth, more workshops for parents and youth should be implemented and that they should not be in denial and should seek help as soon as possible.
“Don’t be scared to go and seek help as there will always be assistance. Keep a relationship with your children always. This is an issue that is happening before our very eyes. I have no doubt that they themselves will do the right thing and be empowered soon, insha Allah. All that I want to tell youth is that they should remember that they are in their time of their lives and that they have many years ahead of them. I do not want them to be pessimistic - but to be optimistic.
"You must know fairly well that what you are going through is not an internal dark tunnel, but a huge test on you. I have no doubt that you have the ability to remove yourself from this situation for Allah (swt) listens to you, Allah is with you and most important Allah knows you. But the question is - are you with Allah?" VOC (Aishah Cassiem)
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